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We don’t want to make love at the same time, what to do?


It’s not always easy to synchronize your libido. And for good reason: desire is unpredictable, it can arise in surprising ways and invade us like a tsunami… or disappear without warning. But then, how to manage differences in rhythm, when one wants to make love and the other does not? Fourchette & Bikini offers you 4 keys to flourish in your couple and manage these quirky desires!

Realize that this is common

First of all, it is important to put things in perspective: not wanting to make love at the same time is a frequent, even inevitable process. In some couples, the question arises quickly. From the first weeks, the libidos are shifted, one is in the morning, the other in the evening, one is satisfied with once a week, when the other would like to make love several times a day. In other cases, the differences in rhythms appear over time or the vagaries of life. Anyway, the first step is to put things into perspective. If you’re frustrated or worried, remember that it’s a natural occurrence that doesn’t call your love or your partner’s love into question.

Talk about that rhythm difference

As is often the case in relationships, communication is essential. And on the sexual side, it is perhaps even more so, because our culture bases the ideal of the couple on the model of an obvious sexual act, always satisfying and wonderful. However… things are not that simple! And talking about sexuality is good, both because it helps to play down the drama, and to find solutions together. To dialogue on this desynchronization of desire is first of all to avoid misunderstandings and worries. It’s a way to be reassured and to reassure the other. But it can even have aphrodisiac properties! Talking about what’s going well, your preferences, the last time you had sex… it builds excitement and stimulates desire!

Release moments dedicated to love and sexuality

Falling asleep with each other every night can be a wonderful gift of life. We kiss, we cuddle, we laugh together. But after several months or years, cohabitation can also act as a kind of libido reducer. The presence of the other is no longer an exception, but a norm. The routine sets in, the desire decreases and the desire to sleep takes precedence over that of making love. The solution ? Get away… to find yourself better! Spend a few days without each other, go out on your own, go to sleep with a friend… Then, find yourself, really: take the time to spend an evening alone together, and make this beautiful evening a weekly or – at least – monthly tradition. Sharing a moment dedicated to your love is essential. Because to want to make love, you have to have a free spirit. Work, family and friends, daily worries should be put aside. By freeing up moments dedicated solely to your love, you will be able to focus all your attention on the other and together you will find ways to grant your desires.

be patient

We can never say it too much: when it comes to sexuality, the solution is not to force yourself. So, if despite your efforts and those of your partner, the situation does not change right away… that’s how it is. Patience and letting go are sometimes the key to fulfilling sexuality. Let time do its job. Accept that changes are coming at the right time, and that in the meantime, many things are out of your control. If, on the other hand, you think that substantive work could help your relationship move forward, don’t hesitate to start couple therapy, especially with a sex therapist.

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